


The Filler

by nanifairy (ktwrites1530)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, bobhwan, junhwan, non-endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 22:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17496383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktwrites1530/pseuds/nanifairy
Summary: Junhoe has something he wanted to tell his best friend, Jinhwan--something that he has been keeping for a while now. He knows it could only end up one of two ways: that he would say that he felt the same, or he gets his heart broken.





	The Filler

“Are you feeling cold?” 

Junhoe stopped from blowing into his hands, somehow hoping there was a bonfire where he could warm them with or he had a cigarette to smoke. Stubbornly, he thought:  _ Why in the world did we decide to go out again when it had already started to snow?  _

Junhoe looked at Jinhwan, who was standing beside him, a memory suddenly flashing in his head. He had heard Jinhwan ask this question on two other occasions. The first, not to him, but to someone else—to the only other person for whom Jinhwan cares more for than him, Bobby. Not at the exact place where they were now, but somewhere near, maybe five feet from where they stood, at the rooftop of the building where they all decided to get wasted. 

That was the first time he got hurt because of Jinhwan. 

The second time was to him, as he was wearing a thin black shirt, and it was cold at the restaurant where they were. Jinhwan nagged at him, “Why would you even choose that shirt to wear when you know this restaurant always has their A/C very cold?” 

Jinhwan had asked him that a few days after the Bobby incident. Junhoe was still mad, sad, and hurt about it, and then he got asked the same damn question:  _ Are you feeling cold?  _

Today was the third time. A year after everything had happened. 

“Junhoe,” Jinhwan whispered, calling his attention. Before Junhoe could say anything, Jinhwan removed one of the two jackets that he was wearing—one of which was Junhoe’s—and placed it over the younger guy’s shoulders. Then he moved closer, stepping into Junhoe’s personal space, placing his small hands on Junhoe’s arms. He moved his hands to create enough friction, until slowly the cold went away. 

_ He’s still one of the warmest people that I know _ , Junhoe thought. 

Junhoe closed his eyes, trying to hold it in. He was a few seconds away from losing it, and he couldn’t afford for that to happen. Not yet anyway. He felt his lips tremble, so he bit the inside of his lips. 

This was it. Junhoe knew that this was the moment to finally admit it, something he should’ve done a long time ago. 

He took a deep breath, and then opened his eyes, only to jump back because Jinhwan’s face was so close. He looked down on his hyung, who smiled a bit upon seeing Junhoe rattled. Jinhwan always liked to see how he could disarm Junhoe, as he was always teased that he was the only one who could. 

Jinhwan’s smile was immediately replaced with a frown, as the first of Junhoe’s tears fell.

“Jun—Junhoe,” Jinhwan stammered, reaching up to wipe the tears on Junhoe’s cheeks. “Are you okay?” 

The younger guy gave him a sad smile, following it with a heavy sigh. “Hyung, do you know… that I love you? That I am… in love with you? ” 

The words made Jinhwan stop. He dropped his hands that were touching Junhoe to his sides, but he didn’t move away. 

“Wh-what?” 

“I never told you,” Junhoe said, clearing his throat and trying to gather the rest of his courage, “because at the time that I was starting to feel it, I thought, maybe this… the way I was feeling? It wasn’t serious. That maybe I don’t really love you, that it could be that I was just lonely. Or I just got so used to you being around, and we’ve been through a lot together...” 

Jinhwan remained silent, but he didn’t break his gaze with Junhoe. Junhoe plowed on, saying, “But the feeling never went away, hyung. I started missing you when we’re apart. You were always on my mind. And… is it weird that the way that I actually  _ knew  _ that I loved you was because I got hurt?” 

“I hurt you?” Jinhwan said, the surprise evident in his voice. He finally took a step back and stood next to his dongsaeng, still reeling from what has happened in the last few minutes. 

Junhoe smiled bitterly. He knew his hyung believed in that saying that no one would pine for someone if they weren’t given any hope. That if Jinhwan knew that he was starting to develop feelings for him, he would stay away if he didn’t feel the same. 

“But it wasn’t your fault,” Junhoe replied. “What was it that you always say before? You don’t have any right to get hurt or to be disappointed if you didn’t admit your feelings or you didn’t even try. At that time, I haven’t done anything.” He took a deep breath. “So now, this is it. I am doing it. I am trying, Jinani hyung, even if I am so damn scared of losing you.” 

“When was this?” Jinhwan asked, his head cocked to the side, obvious that the last bit of Junhoe’s words didn’t register to him. 

“When was what?” 

“That time when you said I hurt you.” 

Junhoe took the jacket around his shoulders and wore it correctly, depositing his hands inside the jacket to keep them warm—even if the one thing he really wanted to do was to hold Jinhwan’s hands. Just like how he used to… oh those times when he marveled how well Jinhwan’s small hands fit his big ones perfectly, how they were soft and smooth and warm…

Junhoe shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “The last time we were here,” he replied. “When we were with Bobby hyung.” 

Jinhwan nodded slowly. He knew that time exactly: him, Junhoe, Bobby, and Donghyuk headed to Jeju for a quick break from their schedules. He didn’t talk about it with Junhoe—they skip past the topics of relationships or people that they liked—but they knew of each other’s types in a potential partner. Junhoe knew that Bobby was Jinhwan’s ideal type, even if he didn’t get it. Bobby was loud, too carefree… too  _ much _ for Jinhwan. 

_ But then again, Jinani hyung, you lost out to Hanbin hyung,  _ Junhoe thought. Everyone in their group of friends knew about Bobby and Hanbin, and Bobby was so taken by Hanbin that he wasn’t even aware of Jinhwan’s feelings for him. 

“You and alcohol don’t mix well, hyung,” Junhoe said with a bitter smile. “You do all sorts of things when you’re drunk, and then you would use the alcohol as an excuse. Like you couldn’t remember what had happened because you were drunk. Such a load of  _ crap _ , hyung.” 

“But I really blacked out that night, Junhoe,” Jinhwan argued. That was what Jinhwan also said when he first kissed Junhoe. Before Junhoe could even ask the next day if Jinhwan remembered what he did—what  _ they _ did—Jinhwan already said, “What happened last night? I don’t remember anything.” 

_ First kiss. That was my first real kiss, first make-out session, and I was the only one who could remember _ , Junhoe thought bitterly.  

Jinhwan poked at his arm. “But what did  _ I  _ do that night? Because I remember, after that trip, you stayed away for a while.” 

Junhoe’s surprise was evident on his face. He thought Jinhwan didn’t notice when he stayed away, because even if they were together almost daily, they weren’t clingy to each other. They could  _ not _ speak to or see each other even if they just lived in the same dorm, as Junhoe wanted to believe that they weren’t that co-dependent.  

“Yeah. I think you stayed away for a week,” Jinhwan continued. Junhoe faced him, and he saw the sadness on Jinhwan’s face.

“I couldn’t bear to see you because it was too painful,” Junhoe admitted.

The sadness on Jinhwan’s face was now replaced by concern. He placed a gentle hand on Junhoe’s arm, and asked quietly, “Junhoe-ah, did I do anything when I was drunk?” 

_ That time or all the other times you were drunk?  _ Junhoe wanted to ask, but that would open another can of worms that they shouldn’t tackle right now. 

“To me, directly, none, if that’s what you’re thinking about,” Junhoe said instead. “To Bobby hyung, yes. You left my side, hyung, and then you went to him. The way you flirted with him, it was as if you wanted him to forget that he has Hanbin hyung. And Bobby hyung, since he was also drunk…”

Jinhwan just sighed, covering his small face with his equally small hands, as if trying to turn back the time in his mind and recall the events on that night. When he emerged from his hands, he said, “I did something that night.” 

Junhoe faced him. “Are you cold?” Junhoe whispered, he said in a tone that was filled with care, worry, and something else.  _ Flirtation _ . That was how Jinhwan spoke those words to Bobby that night. Junhoe placed his arm around his hyung, and then leaned over, his lips almost touching Jinhwan’s ear, causing shivers in the latter’s spine and made him step back. 

“I wasn’t sure what you were whispering into his ear,” Junhoe said, dropping his arms to his sides, “but you were whispering to him quite a lot that night, Donghyuk and I felt like we were intruding on yours and Bobby hyung’s vacation.” 

Jinhwan winced, but he didn’t say anything, so Junhoe continued. “That’s when I saw how much you really liked him. Hell, how much you  _ loved _ him. When Bobby hyung threw up because of too much alcohol, even if you were also drunk yourself, it seemed like… your drunkenness lifted because he needed you. You were first to rub his back, first to get him water, first to offer your lap for his head to lay on while he recovered. You ensured you were  _ first _ to anything Bobby hyung needed that night.” 

Junhoe shook his head slowly, the night still fresh in his mind. “Even if you were drunk, you took care of him. But me?” Junhoe said spitefully. Jinhwan tried to reach out for him but Junhoe blocked his hand. The older one didn’t have any choice but to pocket his hands in his jacket. “When I was sick, you would only message me once just to check if I was okay, but that was it. Minimum effort. When I didn’t show up to one of our schedules and then wasn’t around for a week, did you even notice?” 

“Junhoe—”

“I saw what you can do and what you’re willing to do for someone that you liked, hyung. For someone that you loved. And me, even if we do so many things together…” Junhoe stopped, wiping the tears that fell on his cheeks with the back of his hand. 

Silence reigned. Jinhwan looked up at the night sky and the stars, while Junhoe watched him. He couldn’t read his hyung’s face, so he didn’t know what was going on in his mind. 

Junhoe took a deep breath before speaking. “We were confusing. Or was it only you who was confusing? Or I just misread all the signals you were giving me? I honestly don’t know.” Jinhwan finally looked at him. “Yunhyeong hyung told me that you get what you need from me, what you don’t get from Bobby—”

“Bullshit, Junhoe.” 

“What?” Junhoe said with a restrained laugh. “You are single, and you have needs like I do.” He shrugged. “And I admit you fulfill those needs, too. We go out, keep each other company, we cuddle, we hold hands, we kiss…” 

“Kiss?” Jinhwan repeated, surprised.  

“Maybe the next time we do it, we take the alcohol out of the equation? And then maybe you can remember things,” the younger one replied with a smirk.

“Or maybe there are things that I wouldn’t be able to do without the liquid courage.” 

“That, too.” 

Silence reigned again, and all they could hear was the sound of the crickets in the night. 

“Filler boyfriend.” 

Junhoe turned to Jinhwan, who broke the silence first. 

“What?” Junhoe said, frowning. 

“That was that Donghyuk called you when he was trying to call me out.” 

“He called you out?!” Junhoe tried to process this information. Donghyuk was the last person he expected to talk to Jinhwan about, well, whatever was going on.  _ Maybe he got tired of being the fourth wheel in the three-way (non)relationship that was happening between me, Bobby hyung, and Jinhwan hyung,  _ Junhoe thought. 

Jinhwan sighed. “He was concerned about you, so he talked to me about it. He called you my ‘filler boyfriend’, because you were like my boyfriend but without the commitment. Without anything, really, because we didn’t talk about any ground rules, like if I should be looking after you or anything.” 

“Wow,” Junhoe said, appalled, his temper rising. “Hyung, as a normal human being with a  _ shred  _ of humanity, isn’t it given that you should care for the people you are with? At the very least, hyung, I’d like to think I’m a friend. I’m your  _ best friend _ .” In his sheer frustration, he pushed his hyung on the shoulder. “We’ve been like this for three years, known each other for seven, and you aren’t concerned with me even just a little bit?!”

“Junhoe—”

“I think I was just a filler, hyung, not a filler  _ boyfriend _ . I was a filler on a space that was free, while nobody else was occupying it. Because you were lonely. I was a filler, because there wasn’t any least bit of emotion involved—at least for your end. A filler because it was convenient. Because it was  _ easy, _ and you didn’t have to work too hard,” Junhoe seethed. “I was wrong. I was very, very wrong to love you if that was how little you think of me.” 

Junhoe turned to walk away but Jinhwan grabbed his arm. “Junhoe, wait. I chose the wrong words. I am sorry,” Jinhwan said, trying to placate him. “You are the one who was good with words, not me, so forgive me.” 

Jinhwan held both of Junhoe’s hands in his, but the younger one avoided looking at him. Angry and hurt, tears streamed down his face. “Junhoe-ah,” Jinhwan urged, but he wouldn’t budge. Instead, he chose a spot on Jinhwan’s shoulder and focused on that.  

Jinhwan didn’t push anymore, because he knew Junhoe was already hovering over the edge. He knew one more wrong word and he’d lose Junhoe forever. “Yes, you’re right. It is easy with you. You make it so easy, Junhoe-ah. I am comfortable with you. You understand me, Junhoe-ah, and we match. You accept me, but at the same time you call me out on my bullshit. You are probably the one person who remained true to me all this time—”

“Jinani hyung, I kept that I loved you for over a year. I don’t think that’s being true.”

Jinhwan shook his head sharply. “But even with that knowledge, Junhoe, you  _ were _ true. Even when you realized that you loved me, you didn’t make any effort to impress me too much. You were the same Koo Junhoe that I met seven years ago and the same Junhoe that you are now.” 

That was when Junhoe turned to look at him. “Was that wrong, hyung?” 

Jinhwan stopped. He opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again when he couldn’t find the right words to say. A few moments lapsed until Jinhwan said, “What was wrong?” 

“Maybe if I actually changed and suited to be the person that you would learn to love—”

The older hyung placed his finger on Junhoe’s lips to stop him from speaking. “Junhoe, no. God, no. You don’t need to change for me. Please don’t do that. I like you just the way you are.” He then took a deep breath, and said, “But Junhoe, I don’t like you in the way that you like me.” 

Junhoe pulled his hands from Jinhwan’s, nodding slowly. “Don’t you think, after all this time, I didn’t get that? I know, Jinani hyung, that when you look at me, all I could ever be to you was just a friend. The sole consolation that I got from all of that is that I am your  _ best _ friend.” 

“Junhoe, please,” Jinhwan pleaded. 

“But you had to know, hyung. And I had to tell you. Because I can’t keep it anymore. I love you, Jinani hyung, and that’s it. I got this, I am okay, I know that this is only up to where we are, that this is all we could ever be.” Junhoe knew the night could end up one of two ways: that Jinhwan would tell him that he felt the same way, or this, the one that he knew would most likely to happen. 

So he had planned for it. “Jinhwan hyung… I’d like to ask you for some space.” 

“S…space?” Jinhwan stammered. 

“I need time. All I ever known was you. I built my world around you. You are always my priority, the first one over anyone. Even over myself,” Junhoe said, his voice firm and stable. He didn’t know where he had gotten the resolve to do this, because he felt like every word that he uttered, it was ten stabs to his heart. “And then I realized, I don’t know who I am without you anymore. Whenever I think of myself, it’s always in relation to you—what you liked, what you wanted to do, what you wanted to watch or eat or drink…” 

“I need you, Junhoe. Please stay…” The desperation in Jinhwan’s voice was evident, and he balled his hands into tight fists that his knuckles turned white. 

“You’re not hearing me, hyung!” They were both surprised at the sudden rise in Junhoe’s voice. “If I stay, would you promise me that things would change? Would you be able to tell me that you would look at me differently? That when we finish this conversation and I tell you that I would stay— _ for you _ —would you finally love me the way that I wanted to be loved? That I wouldn’t be just the filler, I would be the real deal?” Junhoe’s voice broke. “I deserve better, Jinani hyung,” he said, choking back a sob. “I deserve so much better than this.” 

His shoulders shook as he released the sobs, and Jinhwan crossed the distance between them in a few steps, wrapping his arms tightly around Junhoe.  _ Isn’t this ironic,  _ Junhoe thought,  _ that the person who was causing him pain was also the one trying to hold him together?  _

Jinhwan held Junhoe tighter, swaying the taller guy slightly, waiting for his sobs to subside. He has known Junhoe for years, and even if people had seen him as a cold-hearted guy, Jinhwan knew better. He knew Junhoe was slow to warm up to anyone, and Jinhwan got through that shell, and they became friends. They became inseparable, doing almost everything together, and Jinhwan couldn’t put a finger as to when they started to blur the lines. 

_ That was my one biggest mistake,  _ Jinhwan thought.  _ I shouldn’t have crossed that line with Junhoe _ . 

“Hey,” he whispered, releasing Junhoe from the hug. He placed a shaky finger on Junhoe’s chin to make him look at him. “Junhoe-ah, it’s okay. I get it,” his voice breaking at the last word. “It was selfish of me to ask you to stay, just like how it was selfish of me to keep you around knowing how you felt towards me. I knew it about it, even before today, but I just… I didn’t want to lose my best friend. So I tried to act as if I didn’t know. But I guess that did more damage to both of us and our friendship than good."

Junhoe didn’t speak, but he reached up to wipe the tears on Jinhwan’s face. Jinhwan reached up and kept Junhoe’s hand on his face, rubbing his cheek against it before speaking again. “I don’t know how this would work, Junhoe. I want you to know that I understand your decision. I’m sorry for not feeling the same way, and for stringing you along. But mostly, I am sorry that I hurt you, my very best friend in the world.” 

“Shh,” Junhoe whispered. “I let it run for as long as it did, too,” he said with a forced laugh. He pulled Jinhwan in a hug, probably the last one that they would have in a while. Jinhwan wrapped his arms around Junhoe’s waist. They held each other for a long time, before Junhoe said, “You know what scares me the most?” 

“What?” Jinhwan asked, pressing his head against Junhoe’s chest, another sob escaping his lips. 

“That I wouldn’t know how to come back to you after I become okay. That I can’t make things be normal again between us after I leave.” 

Jinhwan looked up, Junhoe’s lips almost touching his nose. “How about I make you a promise that I will wait for you no matter how long it would take?” he whispered. “That’s the only thing that I can promise, because promising that things would be normal when you come back is hard. We were never normal, Junhoe. Our friendship is beyond that.” 

Junhoe nodded, pressing his lips against Jinhwan’s forehead. “I am scared shitless, too, Junhoe-ah,” Jinhwan continued. “My life would be strange without you, even for a while.” 

“I know.” 

“Come back to me, okay?” Jinhwan said, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of Junhoe’s shirt. Junhoe planted his chin on Jinhwan’s head—they always marveled at the perfection of their height difference, because Junhoe could do this.

“Promise.” 

Jinhwan, whose arms were around Junhoe’s waist, gave him one last squeeze before releasing him. “Take care of yourself.” 

“You, too, hyung.” 

Jinhwan turned and walked back to the vacation house. Just before he entered the house, Jinhwan turned to him, as if to make sure Junhoe was still there, and then gave him a small wave. 

“Bye, hyung,” Junhoe said, waving back at the love of his life. Jinhwan disappeared into the house, and Junhoe finally released the tears that he was keeping, crouching down on the ground as the snow fell on him. He wrapped his arms around his knees, and cried and cried and cried, until the sharp, searing pain he felt became a dull ache. 

“You did it.” 

Junhoe turned, hastily wiping his tears on his face with his jacket sleeve. His eyes were swollen, and his throat hurt. Through his blurry vision, he realized who the man standing up in front of him, offering a hand. 

“Donghyuk.” 

He took Donghyuk’s proffered hand. “I asked the boys if I could take you out for that solid black pork barbeque place that you liked, just the two of us, and they said it’s fine if we skip the dinner that Yunhyeong hyung prepared,” Donghyuk said. 

“And they said okay?” 

Donghyuk ruffled Junhoe’s hair, and then settled his hand on the small of Junhoe’s back. “They’re more than okay, Junhoe. It’s you first, tonight,” he said with a soft smile. “Freshen up. They’re all in the living room, so take the back door and no one would see you.” 

“Thanks, Donghyuk,” Junhoe said, and Donghyuk replied with a wink. He pushed Junhoe to go inside the house, and the latter heeded. 

After watching Junhoe disappear into the house, Donghyuk turned to his phone, getting a new message from Jinhwan:  _ Take care of him, Donghyuk-ah.  _

Donghyuk typed his reply quickly before following Junhoe inside the house. 

_ You don’t have to tell me, hyung. I got him. _

**-END-**

**Author's Note:**

> find me on Twitter: @kecachata


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